The Renovation of Jules

Sunday, April 30

There are so many feelings I have at the moment that I don't really know where to start.

Fear: I so greatly fear that I will never turn my life around and get slim and healthy like I need to be. I fear that I will forever be trapped inside this giant body that is just not mine!! I fear that I will have another terrible pergnancy and end up either in hospital or on another terrible medication that will have some hideous side effect.

Joy: Yes, joy. I have joy in my heart that another little being is going to join my family. I got home from work on Friday night and my three kids were all standing at the sliding door looking out at me walking towards the house and they were all beaming giant smiles. They love me unconditionally and I love them and that is enough to give me immense joy.

Fatigue: Okay, technically not a feeling but it is today!! My body feels fatigued after a day of constant grazing. Not always on bad things but just felt the need to put things in my gob all day long - from mandarins to crackers. I am not sleeping properly and when I do I wake with a sealed up nasal cavity and I feel like I have been beaten all night long.

Fogginess: My mind is so unclear on what angle I need to take to achieve the goals I have. Maybe I actually need to verbalise what these goals are, break them down and make them achievable.

Dismay: At the thought of losing my Subaru Legacy Wagon in place of a Mitsubishi Chariot. Saw a new 7 seater Subaru Tribeca on the subaru website. Beautiful but $32000 as they are new, going on the fact that is probably USD then I would say that would be about $70K NZ dollars. That would be completely out of our range but a fucken cool 7 seater all the same.

That's me.

Posted by Jules :: 7:36 PM :: 6 Comments:

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Friday, April 28

How Time Flies

I started my surfing session tonight with what was supposed to be a quick look at other's blogs and then into a good entry of my own. What actually happened, and isn't this always the way, was that I got engrossed in all of you guys lives and it is nearly two hours later and I have that awful shoulder pain that Dietgirl was talking about. So, dependant on pain tolerance levels, this may be a short one when it was meant to be a long one.

Was reading Anon Fit Woman's blog and was struck by an epiphany. I don't write for me anymore. I looked back over my last couple of entries and they were all informative little updates on my life. Mere facts and figures. What has happened to the spark for blogging I used to have. If we could, and we can't because it has gone, we would click on back to some of my original diary-x entries and we would be amazed at the wit, the passion, the indepth look into the inner workings of my mind. Now it is more like looking at a boring memoir of a boring fat woman. I used to be all about me. Frankly, who cares about Blair and his fire service etc? I mean, sure, let them be dropped into conversation but this is the renovation of jules and I don't see any plans for diy of any others.

So, crux of it all is that this is about me again.

You heard it. No more boring weekly or bi-monthly updates on what I am doing in my life. That is not what I am about. I am back with a vengance baby and you better be ready to read some exciting shit that is going to come spilling forth out of this chubby little head of mine.

PS. Blair missed out on the cognitive testing. Froze on a numerical question and panicked and missed a whole portion of the maths section. ( I mean, we have to have some updates on my other life too!!:)

Posted by Jules :: 10:14 PM :: 4 Comments:

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Thursday, April 20

The Most Fertile Woman In The Land

You guessed it (how could you not) - I'm pregnant again!! I know that we all thought that Phoebe was my last, including me, but nature has defied my plans and let a sperm pass my IUD and lodge itself in an egg and happily create a wee embryo. I found out last week. The IUD was still in and had to be removed the other day with a 50% chance of miscarriage but things are still going strong now. I am 7.5 weeks and am still in a state of shock. I think the little sucker deserves to be here after all the barriers that it has dodged to be here.

What does this mean for me? It means that I am at risk of some serious health problems, we all know how the last one went for me. So, as of Monday, our house is having a clear out of shit food and we are all on a health binge. I have stated to Blair that we are in this together, especially since he is so excited. My blood pressure at the hospital was 165/105 so it has started already.

Blair got shortlisted for the fire service. He has his cognitive and physical testing on Saturday morning and will know immediately if he moves on to the next stage or not. He is very excited but, I must admit, I'm a wee bit concerned about it now, with the way things have developed. If he does get in he will be away on the 11 week training course in Rotorua during my last trimester and on my due date. They are allowed home for weekends but not allowed to leave during the week for anything. This is a huge thing as I will very likely not make it to full term with my health issues. I suppose I shouldn't worry about it now but it is hard not to.

As for my job, this now means that I am stuck with what I have or I'll get no maternity leave. A bit of a worry as it is so stressful but I will cross each bridge as I come to it. And this also means that we will more than likely take Mum and Dad up on their offer of the house deal in Rangiora. How can we turn an offer like that down with four kids. No bank is going to look twice at us with that many offspring. And my lovely silver subaru will have to be traded in for a fucken mothership!!!

I don't mean to sound ungrateful, there are plenty of you out there that struggle to conceive at all and I don't want to offend anyone. It seems completely unfair to me that so many people are trying so hard yet I have an IUD, am still breastfeeding twice a day and still manage to get pregnant.

Hope everyone is really well. Miss you all lots and will desperately try to catch up on some blogs later today.

Posted by Jules :: 1:31 PM :: 15 Comments:

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